I know I have not been good about updating this blog. Not that it really matters but I needed to record a few things that happened 2 weekends ago just for my own records.
It started Friday night, two weekends ago. Though technically I had been spiraling down for a few weeks before that. I had neglected watching my sleep habits and was not getting enough rest, add some added stress with work and it was the perfect recipe for a spiraling disaster. I know this would happen, but every single time I don’t see it coming.
So anyway, by Friday I was staring down at the deep dark hole depression enjoys creating for me. I felt alone and broken and that night I started the drinking. By then I hadn’t eaten a proper meal in days so the alcohol hit me quickly and I wished so much I could just die. So I did what I tend to do when I’m not thinking straight, I mix a bunch of meds from my “emergency” stash. I really just wanted to be able to sleep for a good bit but I also wish I wouldn’t wake up. Saturday and I awoke after a good 18hrs of sleep. I didn’t feel any better, I hated myself and I started drinking again. By nightfall, I had doubled my recipe and went back to bed. 26hrs this time. Rinse repeat except I had to be up for work Monday morning. By then I was not only unwell mentally but physically. I don’t know how I managed to get to work, work and get home but somehow I did only to drink again and down more mixtures. Tuesday morning I woke up, stumbled out of bed and somehow passed out while getting dressed. I came too, texted work that I’d be late and once again somehow got there. I managed to hold myself together and left work early because I knew I would end up passing out again. I got home, drank more, took more pills and slept through the entire Wednesday only coming to for a bit to tell Z I wasn’t well. I started to feel better physically Thursday and desperately messaged my therapist who once again said something about me not keeping positive blah blah blah so I told her to fuck off in my head. Friday I was able to eat an actual meal and started feeling better physically. It took a little longer for the dark cloud to lift but I started to pay more attention to my sleep habits and being on routine with my medication and I started getting some relief.
I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m somewhat pissed that I half assed tried to kill myself and waste a bunch of pills in the process from my stash. I could have done a better job by ingesting that entire amount in one night rather than over 4-5 nights. That was just stupid.
I wanted to journal this so I can remember how easy it is for me to slip back down without me or anyone noticing. Some people commented that I seemed not myself and that they were glad I was better. I said thanks but really I wish someone would have pointed it out to me during that time. I don’t know if it would have helped but I lose perspective so quickly that by the time I realize I’m drowning, its too late and I can’t do much of anything.
Maybe if someone pointed out that I wasn’t myself I would have been able to get a grasp of my reality, or maybe I’d have just been pissed off that they were being annoying and ignore them altogether. I don’t know. But I just want to say that if you notice a friend, coworker, anyone acting somewhat differently, ask them if they’re ok… or tell them you see them struggling and over some help, or even a friendly, hey how you’re doing. It may not make a difference but maybe it might and that maybe could be a matter between life and death.
I’m somewhat better now and seem to be managing myself alright. I am eating and sleeping and keeping myself clean so I guess I can’t complain.