strong for now

I am fighting this downward slide. I feel it in my entire body, depression gnawing at my feet, slowly trying to consume me. I have a tougher shield now. I am using every thing I have learned in the past year. I am using all the tools I have. But yet I feel like I am losing the battle. That said, I have not lost yet but I am getting fatigued and I want to admit defeat and let it take over.

But I’m stronger than that.

for now.

My therapy has finally switched over to virtual or teletherapy or whatever new word they want to call it. I’ll have my first session this week. I knew it was coming, Yesterday I contemplated telling her I think I’d want to switch over. I don’t want to get her or anyone sick (I really don’t truly care if I do). It was a relief when she beat me to it yesterday with a text. So while I know this is something we have to do and I expected it, it still feels like I was dealt a blow to the gut. I’m grieving the loss of my last bit of normalcy.

I just have to adapt. I know I will… if the depression doesn’t consume me first.

dreams

I had a string of weird dreams last night involving my therapist.

First one, I had received a letter in the mail with a $90 (yes that specific number) gift card to Disney (not a big disney fan btw) and a note that I won and was invited to a trip to Disney that would cost $2300 (again that exact number). It said share the good news with your friends, so I did I guess. It apparantly was sent to my therapist as well and the message said that I needed $2300 and to support me. I received a text saying that I violated some ethical code and that if someone asks you to ask others for money, I should stay away from them (good advice!). And then I received an email terminating therapy with her. I woke up in a panic… hyperventilating and when I reaized it was a dream, I calmed down and went back to sleep.

Dream sequence 2… I was in a room with her having a session I guess… not sure. She ended with are you good to go… which is how our sessions always end. I said no, not at this moment (I’ve never said no even if I wasn’t good to go..). Anyway so she got up, helped me up, hug-walked me to a bathroom and at this time I noticed we were in a house and there were lots of other people around, like a party was going on. We go to the bathroom and I washed my face because I was apparantly crying (again, I’ve never cried in therapy) and then she walks me out. As we walked out, someone tried to talk to me and she waved them off saying I was not here for the party. I woke up again… drifted back to sleep.

Dream sequence 3… I was on a train like the one back home. I was with an old friend. We got off at a station where I used to live with my parents (they’ve long moved) and then realized that I got off the wrong stop and told my friend. She laughed and waved goodbye. I got back on the train and started looking at my therapists’ instagram page. So here’s the thing. I found her instagram page when we first started and I occasionally peek at it (I really try not to but it’s not private so…) but I always do so not logged in to my account on a computer and not phone. I saw wedding pictures of her and an old aquaintance of mine… not even really an aquaintance. We lived in the same apartment block when we were kids and our mothers were friendly and we played together until my mother fell out with his mother (as she always does with her friends). Our path crossed at certain points. We were in the same school but different grades… he’s like 3-4 years older than me. Anyway, I accidentally liked the picture. Then panicked and tired to unlike it but ended up liking other pictures and woke up in a panic.

I couldn’t go back to sleep after that. So I’m trying to understand these dreams because it’s kinda fucked up and there’s no way I’m telling her about it!! She’s big into dream interpretation so I sometimes share my dreams with her. So anyway I looked up the significance of the 2 numbers: 90 and 2300.

But there are so many other interpretations so I don’t know what really to believe but from reading the various sources, both numbers seem to relate to using my skills to help others.

Anyway I’m sceptical about dream interpretations. What I do know is that I’ve been feeling extra needy lately and Z and I have been in a lot of arguments and fights lately from being home together all day. So I don’t know. I might tell her about the first part of the dream. The other 2 is just plain weird and creepy.

Do you believe in dream interpretations?

underwater

I haven’t had a significantly bad day in awhile so yesterday took me by surprise. Well, kind of. I could see it building over the last few days but I tried to ignore and push through it. I’ve been really stressed out about a small little thing I have to do for work. It sounds really stupid that it is affecting me so much. I am seriously overwhelmed right now and feel like I’m simply drowning. I finally took a klonopin last night so I could sleep and as I took the pill I thought about how I could just pour myself a couple tall alcoholic drinks and down all the pills and the others I have. I thought about it.. but I put the bottle back and I went to bed. If I seriously were to kill myself at this current situation, I will have to make sure it would 100% work and not burden the already burdened healthcare system.

And then this morning, I woke up and as usual took my dog outside. I usually sit in the backyard while she goes about her business with me holding her leash. I guess I zoned out on my phone because I didn’t realize she had slipped through the collar and ran off. I ran around the other side of the house but couldn’t find her so I went back in, got dressed (I was in my PJ) and told Z that I had to go look for her. I found myself walking out the house and down the street. I felt no emotion, it was like I was just a walking shell. I saw Z drive down the road (why didn’t I think of driving?) and so I turned and walk the other way. Z caught up with me and I got in and we were going to turn back around when we heard someone calling. She had my dog. I still didn’t feel anything. I smiled, said thank you, and we drove back. She went in her crate for a bit and I started on work.

And then shit hit the fan when I got more information about more work that we have to do on top of everything else and I fell apart. I may have been somewhat unprofessional in one of my replies to a higher up person. And I then I thought about how nice it would be to be dead right now.

And here we go people, suicidal thoughts are back and I can feel the need to self harm looming behind. I feel it in my being. And my county just announced shelter in place except for essential business. My therapist messaged me last night to say she was still doing in person sessions and our next appointment is still on. But now with this.. is therapy considered essential business? I did tell her that I was ok if she wanted to do tele-therapy or whatever it’s called. I guess I’ll find out… if I make it that far.

So… NO, I am not ok.

 

humanity’s curse

I’ve been struggling with this lately. I’ve been trying to surround myself with positive accounts of all my social media. I needed to stop looking at suicide and depression memes because while I love dark humor, it was exacerbating my bad emotions. So lately, a lot of posts have been about how we will come out of this for the better, and how before any kind of change there is turmoil or chaos, or how we will heal as humanity etc etc etc

Maybe I’m just a pessimist but I don’t think we will change and if we do it will be for the worse. Humanity has never learned from past mistakes. We make them over and over again just in different ways and with different technology. And I have been so torn about this. I want to believe that we as a collective are good and strive to do good in this lifetime but we are also selfish and arrogant and self absorbed. Will the good outweigh the bad? Will we come out of this better human beings, more appreciative of life and each other or will we come out angry and bitter?

I know I am worrying about things beyond my circle of control. And I know the only thing I can control is what I take out of this and how I will come out of it. But I can’t help worry that humanity will disappoint once again.

the rona days

I survived week 1 of working from home and social distancing (or whatever they call it). I made a plan this week to wake up a little earlier so I can get most of my work stuff done in the morning and have the afternoon for myself except to answer any messages from work that comes in. I am happy to say that today I felt much more in control and I got a lot of shit done. I also got some clarification about the things is impossible to do at home and that has decreased my stress levels quite a bit. So overall I’m hoping this week will be easier.

My therapist is still meeting in person (please no judgement, I go there and straight home after). I am really thankful for that. When I saw her today I told her that it was really nice to meet another human being besides Z. I always thought I was a loner, but I actually do require some social stimulation which work provides for me. It is why I tend to get more depressed over the summer if I am not careful and isolate too much. That and the lack of structure I guess. We had a good discussion about what is going on and how it is a choice how we react to the situation. I feel like I’ve just been going through the motions. I got really overwhelmed with the news yesterday. Being home all day on the computer means I have social media open and getting constant information. I need to remember to close the tab and take a break. Otherwise I am not really afraid. I really don’t care if I die, but I am concerned about some friends and family with health issues and age. I know death inevitable for all of us no matter what but I don’t want them to suffer. So my wish is that we all stay well, watch out for each other and just be decent human beings for once.

stress eating

Everything is going to shit. I am extremely stressed out with work. Z and I have been at each other’s throats. I feel like I’m going crazy. And I can’t stop fucking eating. And all I want to eat is ramen noodles. I know it’s a stress response. I crave ramen noodles when I’m stressed and I believe the reason why is because that’s what we ate growing up when things were bad. That and rice, spam and sardines.

I ate a lot of instant noodles growing up. You would think I’d be sick of it by now but my body craves it when it feels the stress it felts years ago. It’s a small familiarity when things feel out of control.

I am trying to calm myself down about work. I can only do so much from home and they are expecting the impossible. But I am also a perfectionist and a rule follower and I am overwhelmed by all that I have been asked to do. And what do I do when I feel overwhelmed? I royally shut down. It is 4 am and I am wide awake. My brain won’t shut down. I hate myself and I hate my body as I see it grow with the more junk I eat.

I wish this stupid virus will get me and let me die.

end of the world as we know it

After going back and forth with myself all weekend, I finally decided that I did need to see my therapist this week. At the rate things are going, I’m afraid that we will be in a total lockdown sooner or later. And if so, I won’t be able to see her. Which has left me in a state of panic fueled anxiety. I’m not the slightest bit anxious about the virus. I’m anxious that my mental health will be taking a decline as we get more and more isolated. I’m taking the steps I can do prevent this from happening. I’m checking in on friends, I’m planning to keep a schedule waking up and going to bed at a set time and I’m going to try to get a run in a few times a week.

Today was actually a relatively good day. I woke up, checked my work email, checked in to make sure everything was running smoothly, send out messages and answer them. Took my dog to the park for a short run. There was barely anyone, just a few people biking, running or walking. It was a good way to ground myself in nature after all the craziness around me and in my head.

So after checking in with my therapist to check if she was still going to see patients and asking if I could come in earlier since I don’t have to work, I’ll be seeing her tomorrow. And for some odd reason it’s been comforting to know that I’d be doing something familiar.

The world is ending as we know it and the uncertainty is what I fear.